I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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