Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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