My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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