My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
