You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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