i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
