yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
