What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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