My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
