I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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