I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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