pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I checked into jail on foursquare
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
