dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
