you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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