Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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