Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.