What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
