oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
