Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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