i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
