im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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