The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
