Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER