Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
