mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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