how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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