those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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