remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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