ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
