it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
