We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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