Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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