It's like God shit irony all over that family
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
