so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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