Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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