cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
