Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
