he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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