nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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