I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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