Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
