Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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