someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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