HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
