Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
