do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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