Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
