Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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