Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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