I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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