Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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