if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I currently don't understand fingers.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
