Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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